I'm currently dealing with the loss of my boyfriend. The relationship lasted about a year, but the tenure of it wasn't what you'd called "clearly defined." Rather, it was riddled with breakups, blowouts and periods of companionship without definition.
My history in relationships has been sordid and short. I never struck it big with a great guy, or even bagged a great guy for that matter. I've had few meaningful encounters and many meaningless slopfests. I've been cheated on and pretty much disrespected in all scenarios, which doesn't say much for me. As someone who craves stability and hates to play the field, I've done a fuckup's job at finding anyone with a good heart and head on their shoulders. I blame that on my lack of self esteem and the habit I have to take the first thing that comes my way.
He was very different from the other goons I'd dated because he "fit the part." He looked, smelled, sounded and acted like everything I wanted. What joy! He is devastatingly handsome, like Carey Elwes from the Princess Bride in flannel and paint covered jeans. He's a few years older, wiser, harder than me and other boys I knew. He was a ham on the dance floor, quick with a joke, and made sexy eyes at me at work where we met. He had a live in girlfriend, though. And when that relationship finally ended and ours finally began, I was kept at arm's length for a long time, wondering where we stood and if I meant anything to him at all.
It was never felt completely right, the two of us, but it was enough fuel for my fantasy, in which he and I were good for each other, happy, balanced. I dreamt, after he cheated on me, that he'd find the courage to get me back, like an episode of True Life, "I'm Fighting for my Love." I'd be independent, kicking ass in another country making films, he'd be at home, buying a diamond ring and plotting his triumphant return to my life. I was in major denial-land. I refused that a guy who looked the part and sometimes acted the part wanted me, and I had him, and I wasn't going to let him go. I refused to be alone and admit failure. But for being as pleased with myself as I was for bagging a boyfriend, I failed to see that what I had was a fuckup in his own right.
REASONS OUR RELATIONSHIP FAILED
-he cheated on me and never successfully redeemed himself
-his baggage from his last ex carried well into our relationship
-he was secretive
-he was super passive aggressive
-he was insecure with himself
-he was not easygoing or fun to be around at times
-he had a bad reputation for being difficult to be around among friends
-he was spineless and incapable of coping with his problems in an adult way
-he was uncomfortable around me, my friends and family at times
-I often felt like I was invading his space when we hung out
-he kept me around but didn't make me feel important for many months
-he lacked empathy about my insecurities and failures
-he would avoid addressing his problems with me
-he used my aggressive nature as an excuse to not tell me things out of fear of a fight
-he internalized his personal issues and kept them unresolved
-he was immature
-he gave me a shitty Christmas gift and I gave him a great one
-he didn't give me a birthday gift until days later after I mentioned it, because he never asked what I wanted, and I gave him a great birthday gift
-he kept things from me that he thought would make me upset, which made me more upset
-he rarely comforted, validated or complimented me in a sincere way
-he didn't take responsibility for his shortcomings and made me the bad guy
-he turned fun things into tense and unpleasant things
-he'd ignore me for days sometimes
-he didn't brush his teeth often and has dandruff he ignores
-he made simple things difficult and even painful at times
-he once accused me of "losing my spark" which was in fact his own insecurity with himself
-he had a defeatist attitude about many things
-he had no will to make things better for himself and ignored my advice
-I often felt he had given the best of himself to his ex girlfriends and the worst of himself to me
-he clung to his former girlfriends for friendship and didn't think this was strange
-he always put on a phony smile, when I knew he wasn't happy, when he talked to me
-he assumed so many things about me: what I really meant, how I felt, what I was thinking, etc.
-he admitted that once he cheated he had no idea how to fix the error he had made so he let the relationship die
-he discarded someone who's beautiful, caring, sincere and interesting
-he sucks
There were a lot of good things too, seriously. He was my best friend for the better part of the year, we worked together and spent all of our free time together. We went on trips, laid on the beach, cooked, shopped, got sloppy drunk, danced and partied together. Our favorite pastime was eating pizza in bed and watching episode after episode of The Simpsons. We both found a mutual passion for silver tequila and True Blood. We had the best sex and snuggles of anyone we'd had before. We even invented an emoticon for a cutesy character we cultivated >^O.o^= which is supposed to be a slightly retarded big fat house cat, and he'd climb on top of me and make that face and pretend to be a dumb kitty cat trying to protect me from intruders. I taught him how to roll a joint and he taught me how to make eggs over medium. He would always parallel park the car when I couldn't, and he was gifted at it. Waking up next to him and rolling into sleepy kisses still is the greatest, closest thing I've ever had with someone else. And I cried my weight in tears when things came to an end.
I will really miss the things we shared, but I need to remind myself that he isn't the guy from the fantasy, he is a real person who has problems and wasn't able to give me what I deserved.
*UPDATED
I found out a few days ago that he is seeing/sleeping with a friend of mine from the place we both work.
He's a heartless bastard.
