The Fucking Academy Awards

My random, live thoughts from the 82nd Annual Academy Awards.

1. NPH opening number : Kind of awesome, kind of tacky.

2. Unfunny joke about "The Last Station."

3. Helen Mirrin is such a hot bitch. I really hope she wins Best Actress, but I know she won't...

4. MERYL STREEP HITLER MEMORABILIA?? WHAT???

5. Baldwin makes an "inside joke" about actors. Heheh.

6. Is that the director of Avatar, James Cameron? (Pulls out 3-D glasses)

7. Best Jew joke I've ever heard.

8. Christopher Plummer : my heart is breaking watching him act. That's fucking talent.

9. Christoph Waltz = duh. The Oscar was his 10 minutes into "Inglorious Basterds."

10. Cool animated character interviews!!

11. "This is not food!" - Dog from "Up."

12. What is Miley Cyrus doing here? I wish she was dead.

13. Alec, stop making inside jokes about Hollywood, I'm getting very jealous.

14. RDJ, what the fuck are you wearing?

15. OMG they are making the best actor/screenwriter jokes.

16. I am fascinated by the delivery of the screenplay awards.

17. HEYOOOO Ferris Bueller joke.

18. John Hughes tribute got me really choked up. Macauly Culkin with tears in his eyes... wow.

19. Hearing the filmmakers talk about short films is so inspiring. I can never lose sight of my dream. "A jewel box of storytelling."

20. I got so sad when they cut off the producer for the winning short live action film. They wouldn't do that to Meryl Streep.

21. Ben Stiller, OMFG STOP IT. Award for best make up. Ah. Makes sense.

22. My roommate and I haven't seen Precious, and we're too scared to watch it alone because we're sure we're going to cry our faces off, so we're going to download it and watch it together. Hearing the screenwriter accept his award is like, seriously moving.

23. Mo'Nique.

24. Martin and Baldwin - not really funny. Disappointing.

25. What a great speech from the costume designer! "This award goes to all the designers who do movies that aren't about dead monarchs or glittery musicals."

26. An amazing explanation of the importance of sound mixing in film.

27. Sandra Bullock: You're fine and everything, but first, you really don't belong here at the Oscars. Second, fuck your stupid little quip about cinematography. "Make me look good, then do your artsy stuff." Haha...but really, fuck you. Actresses are bitches.

28. Beautiful tribute to those who have died. I can't believe Patrick Swayze is dead. "In My Life" is my parents' wedding song. But...where was Farrah Fawcett?

29. Tribute to horror was electrifying, even though I can't deal with horror genre. Except.. why did they slip "Twilight" in there?

30. I didn't see "The Hurt Locker" either. Damn me.

31. Pedro Almodovar and Quentin Tarantino, couldn't love you more. Q is so weird.

32. Foreign language films give me wanderlust.

33. "The White Ribbon" is going to win! I bet... Ok no, it didn't. That's ok, I haven' seen any of those films. I just saw "The White Ribbon" trailer. Heheh. The winning director: "Please wrap up? How?!"

34. "Avatar": good, not great. That's all I have to say. If you wanna fuck with sci-fi, then see "District 9."

35. It seems like Best Actor is already gift wrapped for Jeff Bridges. DUDE!! YOU'RE GONNA WIN!

36. The tributes they give to each specific actor are so great. This year seems to be famous co-stars of the nominated actors. I can't get enough of it. JB is about to cry. Michelle Pfieffer is seriously flattering.

37. George Clooney is handsome. Really? Wow, thanks for pointing that out, Vera.

38. Tim Robbins brought the LOLs at Morgan Freeman's expense.

39. Colin Farrell tells a drunk-in-Mexico story about the actor from "The Hurt Locker." They shared a bed? That's what I'm talkin' about.

40. Jeff wins. I can't wait to see "Crazy Heart!" God he's handsome. I want my husband to look like that at 57. He's so happy right now! This is so special. And groovy. Thanking the producer: "Where are you? Raise your hand man! Yeah! SCOTTY!"

41. JB's wife is a fox with killer turquoise earrings, FTW.

42. No one is going to win a single fucking award for "The Last Station" or "A Serious Man"... or "An Education"... and they were SOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN AVATAR OR THE BLIND SIDE. Fuck this indie bias. I poop all over your big budgets and 1% milk content.

43. This is hilarious. Watching all of the Best Actress nominees' performances and seeing Sandra Bullock's stupid blonde head in there next to Helen Fucking Mirrin and the rest... she is so not worthy of this. If she wins, I will not be able to contain my disappointment. This is bullshit.

44. Holy shit, my Tivo didn't record the whole show! Fuck!!!!

45. Helen Mirrin's spiderweb tattoo ... so hot. Is he for real? That's amazing.

46. Peter Sarsgaard's homage to Carey Mulligan was powerful. "Get used to the attention."

47. My Tivo cut off the show right in the middle of Oprah's tribute to Gabory Sibide.

48. Fuck my life.