True Blood is Twilight for Perverted Hillbillys

I've been munching on lecherous, gothic vampire literature since I was in high school. I thumbed through Anne Rice's Victorian blood bags but really preferred Amelia Atwater-Rhodes more morbid and contemporary teenage vamps.

And while, in my adolescent day dreams, a handsome undead suitor crossed my mind, I actually read about vampires because they were scary, powerful, ruthless, independent and glamorous....

...but the rest of the world caught up with me when Twilight blew everyone's brains' apart.

I obviously wanted in. I got the books a year ago and read them all in a snap. I describe them as potato chips: they're not good for you but you won't put them down until you feel sick.

In brief, my beloved bloodsuckers had gone soft and Mormon on me. While the morally upright stance of the characters was mildly interesting, the literature was garbage -- most of all the character Bella -- and so un-vampire-ish . The only good thing about Twilight was this piece of male perfection (and no, I don't mean stupid fucking Edward Cullen, I mean the fine and tasty actor Robert Pattinson, who I hope can recover from Twilight someday).

Blah blah blah. Twilight is Miracle Whip and I wanted Tabasaco.

Then, in the similiar way I discovered Mad Men, I found the most devious, frightening and raunchy vampires on TV, and they raised their chalky corpses from the Louisiana bayou, fangs out and dicks hard.




The tone of the show is swampy, bluesly, spooky. And some scenes are as brutally violent as they are brutally sexual. Which is...awesome. It takes place in the deep South, where it's always hot and the accents are slow and thick. The juxtaposition of Bible belt Christianity and filthy, hillbilly debauchery consistently appears -- both humorously and ominously.




Not to mention the blood. If you're into blood in any mood or era, like, for example, in a romantic and expensive setting in the 1920s in Los Angeles, then this might be the show for you.








I love True Blood.







I can definitely appreciate a show that portrays vampirism in Viking era Sweden, like the turning of Eric Northman...









... to see Eric become the Sheriff of Vampires in Louisiana and the owner of the seedy vampire nightclub "Fangtasia." Civil-War era
vampire Bill Compton later explains to his luscious human (but not quite) lover Sookie that "You have to remember that most vampires are very old. Puns used to be the highest form of humor."



I can definitely appreciate a show that features bad-ass cowboy vampires likes Stan.










And most of all, what's not to love about a humorous GIF image that mocks and explains the basis of the series all at once, phonetic Southern speech included?


Don't drag True Blood to the curb with Twilight or any of the the other nonsense blood sucking you may see on TV or in the movies. These folks are the walking dead you'll want to fuck with.